Friday, June 6

OUT OF CONTROL

I am totally out of control! This happens to me occasionally but I can never see rhyme nor reason why. Today I have eaten at least 5 packets of crisps - I don't like crisps, I'm not hungry. I have also eaten the remains of a jar of drinking chocolate. Why? Who the hell knows. It's like I go on self destruct and, even though as I'm shovelling stuff down my throat I'm disgusted with myself, I seem powerless to stop it. At least when I had bulimia I threw it all up again - now it just sits inside and festers.

I've been thinking about writing (as opposed to doing it, which means that we'll be short of cash again this month!). I have the witches book all researched and ready to go, and the memoir, and thoughts about something else.

The memoir will have to be shelved, given the re-estrangement from my daughter. Not the happy ending I had hoped for. The witches don't do it for me at the moment. The other idea - ach, can't be bothered.

Life is shit sometimes.

3 comments:

Kristina Jackson said...

Hold in there! You have friends who are there :)

Erssie said...

I too have been known to eat the contents of my Drinking Chocolate jar! Very strange, especially as I too have possible BD!

I do it though, because I get all shaky due to hypos (after having pancreas trouble) and cannot bring myself to eat pure sugar like honey or granulated to recover.....and I just seem to crave chocolate!

These cravings to eat stuff though, don't necessarily mean a return of bulimia but could be more to do with a chemical inbalance due to poor absorption of foods if your BD has affected blood vessels supplying your gut.

Or, if you have ever had over use of steroids like me, things do not quite go back to normal afterwards
(I was 6 stone before steroids, then 13 stone after...and still 12 stone despite stopping steroids!)

Erssie said...

I too have a 'witches' book up my sleeve, but probably from a totally different angle.

You aren't my long lost sister by any chance are you??